By the Grace of God by Keshia Dawn

Author:Keshia Dawn
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Kensington
Published: 2012-11-22T05:00:00+00:00

Chapter Twenty

Gracie loosened her hair with one yank of her ponytail holder hoping to relieve the physical pain between her ears. Nothing could erase the pain; not aspirin, not releasing the ponytail holder, not pressing her temples with her hands, not even her pleas to God at the moment. The pain consumed her. Ever since she found out about the possibility of contracting HIV, Gracie had locked herself in her apartment and tried to understand her situation. It was official: she didn’t and couldn’t understand. At least nothing she wanted to understand.

Except when she tried to call Kendra, Gracie hadn’t spoken to a single being and didn’t plan on it. How could she? There was no way possible she could hold a conversation without breaking down. Gracie couldn’t bring herself to believe that all was good and that there was a chance she could test negative. She was always optimistic but she wouldn’t allow herself to be in denial about the one time without protection. She wouldn’t even let herself off the hook about continuous pre-martial sex, altogether. In her mind, no matter who gave her what, it had been her own fault for even crossing the boundary of sex before marriage.

Sandy, the counselor, had cautioned Gracie not to get her hopes up ... but also, to not lose her hope. Even when Gracie told her about the one time she and Dillian had neglected to use protection, Sandy’s advice was to wait and see.

Wait and see, huh? Gracie thought to herself as she finally rolled out of her king-sized bed. She stumbled a few feet on her way to the door and collapsed into a heap on the floor. Just like the previous night, Gracie’s mind played every inch of her life before her eyes. This time, without trying to fight it, Gracie wallowed in her fears.

“How could he do this to me?” she screamed. She knew in her heart, her gut, that the anonymous person was Dillian. It hurt her to her soul to think that Dillian could keep something like this from her. They had been so careful, so very careful, making sure to always use protection. One fragment of a moment in which passion overrode common sense could be the difference between a healthy life and one of medication and declining health.

Gracie crawled to the door and used the knob to hoist herself up. Her sobs shook her body uncontrollably and made her steps unsteady as she stepped out into the hallway. Her knees buckled and she backed into the corner of the hallway to remain standing.

“Lord,” Gracie said, in a voice so full of sorrow that she knew God would have to hear her, “this is hard! I know that you are with me everyday and every step that I have to take, but I need you to pull me through this trial! I don’t know if asking you to help me through this makes me selfish, but you said if I should ask something in your name, it would be done.

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